Waiting for Tomorrow to Become Today

I have been searching all day for a word to describe how I feel about starting cancer treatment tomorrow (Tuesday 4/26). I had thought a while about my word being “INVINCIBLE”. I thought it was strong and powerful, and meant that I was ready to dominate. I do feel those things, but I don’t feel invincible. I am strong. I am ready. But invincible? That word is a little strong for me. I have chinks in my armor, we all do. I also don’t think that I need to be invincible to beat cancer. What I have to do is tolerate the chemo drugs that are going to do all the work. I need to be smart and strong.  But, my word for today is not invincible. It does not feel right.

If you bear with my stream of consciousness description of my day today, I will eventually get back to this.

I woke up this morning thinking about ‘Treatment Eve’, 15 years ago, the day prior to the start of my radiation treatments during my first bout with Hodgkins Lymphoma. It was not a great day. I was about 2 weeks out from major surgery and I overdid it that day. I got sick, starting a downward spiral that resulted in me not keeping down any meals for 2 weeks. That was not the way to start cancer treatment.

I think I hit a home run on ‘Treatment Eve’ today. It was a pretty casual day at our house. Michele’s parents, who had been visiting for Easter, left late morning. Shannon and I had lunch together and then she took a nice long nap.  I was able to get some work done for a few hours in the middle of the day. Then Michele, Shannon, and I headed out to join our friends for a late afternoon visit to the zoo. Unbeknownst to us, the zoo closes at 4 PM, precisely the time that we pulled into the parking lot. So we decided to go play at a nearby park and had a relaxing playtime there. It was fantastic!

After skyping with my mom (aka Grammie) during dinner, I gave Shannon a bath and put her to bed. Michele then shared with me some special notes from friends that we have been enjoying Friday potluck dinners with during Lent. The notes, along with all of the cards and messages I have received, have warmed my heart, given me strength, and brought a big smile to my face. These particular notes, from my new Baltimore friends, gave me the answer to my day-long search for a word that could I use to describe how I was feeling today.

My word: HUMAN.

It is human to love and be loved.

It is human to be joyful.

It is human to be thankful.

It is human to anxious.

It is human to be ready.

It is human to know that you are ALIVE!

I am all of these things today, and more. Very human.

I would be hard-pressed to find a time in my life when I felt more loved and gave more love. I have always known the love of my parents. I have long shared love with my wife and that has brought along the love of a father for his daughter. I have now learned in new ways what it is like to share the love of friends, old and new, near and far.

I am forever grateful to all of you who have contacted me in the last three weeks since I announced that I had been diagnosed again with Hodgkins. If I have not gotten back to you personally yet, thank you for taking the time to reaching out to me, for your thoughts and prayers, and for your love. I feel filled with the love of my friends and family and ready to start the journey toward being cured.

Tuesday, April 26, the day of my first chemo treatment is not the beginning of my fight against cancer. This started 15 years ago when I was treated for Hodgkins lymphoma the first time. It was renewed 5 years ago with the passing of my beloved aunt Norma a month before I started my first PMC ride. April 26, 2011 is just the opening bell of the next round in my fight.

Thank you for being part of my journey. I will do my best to post about how I am tolerating the chemo in the next day or so.

More soon. Love,

Andy

If you don’t have to get a bone marrow biopsy….

Just in case you were considering, for whatever reason, having a bone marrow biopsy done on you, here is my advice. DON’T DO IT!

My first of two days of tests and scans included the second bone marrow biopsy of my life. That is two too many. The third time will not be a charm. I wish I had never heard about the concept of removing bone marrow from your body in the first place.

Of course, I am obligated to add, that if you need to get a bone marrow biopsy, then it is a very important diagnostic tool. Take my advice – ask for sedation, I know I will if I have to do this ever again.

All in all, I am fine after today. Tomorrow’s tests are all easy and I am looking forward to a relaxing long weekend prior to my first chemo treatment on Tuesday.

Thanks to the many folks who sent emails, notes, texts, and comments today. I have read them all and appreciate them greatly. I will try, in due time, to get back to all of you. Until then, my and what is left of my bone marrow need to rest.

Andy

Related Articles

• Treatments Planned (andyridesagainstcancer.wordpress.com)

Update to start the week

This week, I will be doing a lot of tests, scans, and blood work in preparation for chemo treatment to start a week from Tuesday, April 26. Basically, this week is “sit and wait” for everyone but me. I have a lot of appointments. I had to cancel another trip up to Boston for work.  I am planning to correspond with all of the generous folks who have donated to my PMC fundraising over the years and discuss my plans for later this summer. Other than that, I think we are trying to get our life a little more organized and enjoy the Easter holiday weekend.

I have been thinking that maybe the title of this blog could use some work. Maybe you could take this poll to help me (re)name my blog. Thanks!

Thanks again for all of the emails, comments, cards, and calls. I really appreciate it and need it.

Andy

Treatments Planned

As I previewed in Tuesday’s post, I had my first appointment with my new oncologists on Wednesday. As I expected, I have a series of additional scans and lab tests to do, mostly to establish a baseline. I am going to have one long day with many tests, bloodwork, etc next Thursday. We are trying to blast through them all by the end of next week and get started on treatment on Tuesday, April 26. In total, I will have 12 treatments, one chemo dose every other week. So if all goes well, I will finish up by the end of September. That part is pretty manageable, hopefully. In my first bout with Hodgkins, my treatment regimen was radiation, Monday through Friday, for almost 10 weeks, with a little break in the middle.

One of the tests that I will have to get next week I am particularly not looking forward to enduring. I have had it once before. It was unpleasant and I don’t believe that the procedure has changed that much in the last 15 years. If you have ever had a bone marrow biopsy done, you know what I am talking about. If you have not, I hope that you never have one. It is not fun, not pleasant, not enjoyable in any way. That test is Wednesday.

On Thursday, I will have a full-body PET/CT scan, a pulmonary function test, an echocardiogram, and some bloodwork. I would do this series of tests a thousand times in a thousand days before wanting another bone marrow biopsy. My personal indulgence after this long Thursday at the hospital will be enjoying the Ice Cream Social at our daughter Shannon’s daycare.

I just looked at my PMC fundraising account and was struck by the list of the last 5 fantastic folks who have donated to my ride and the PMC. I was just amazed that these 5 people are all from 5 different parts of my life. I work with one person, graduated from high school with the second person, the third person I only know through Twitter, the fourth went to Harvard with Michele, and the fifth is a high school classmate of my sister-in-law. The outpouring of love and support for me and Michele today and also for my ride through the years has come from many people and places in our lives. We have been contacted by high school friends, college classmates, co-workers and grad school colleagues, teammates, family and family friends, and our new Baltimore friends. Thank you all so very much for your love, generosity, spirit, well wishes, thoughts, and prayers. All of this has given me great strength and confidence. Please keep emailing, commenting, texting, Facebook-ing, tweeting me (and Michele). It really means so much to us.

I am not sick, I just have cancer (again).

Hello again, my dear friends. Since last Monday’s post, I have heard from so many of my friends. Thank you so much for your love and support. I have received numerous emails, posts, and cards, and I have read them all and am so appreciative. Please keep them coming!

The only update I really have to share today is that my first appointment with my new oncologists at the Johns Hopkins Sidney Kimmel Comprehensive Cancer Center will be this Wednesday, April 13. I expect that we will discuss what, if any, additional testing needs to be done and what the treatment options are. We’ll probably get an orientation to the cancer center and become familiar with a place that we will become all too familiar with in a very short time. I hope to be able to figure out if I will be able to ride in this year’s Pan-Mass Challenge.

My followup appointment with the surgeon who performed the biopsy of the enlarged lymph node in the groin was last Friday. She confirmed the diagnosis that we had discussed after the surgery. That was not a surprise. The interesting thing was that I walked out of the appointment with a copy of my pathology report. When I mentioned this to a friend of mine here in Baltimore who is a neurologist, his reply was “Wow, that certainly didn’t happen 15 years ago.” Those were my thoughts exactly. The diagnosis is that I have classical Hodgkin Lymphoma.

I have cancer, again. And now, I will explain the title of this post. “I am not sick, I just have cancer”. Some people have asked me how I have been feeling, and yesterday, I came up with this answer. It may sound flippant or harsh, but frankly, I feel that it is true. I have no symptoms, like fever, night sweats, chills, itching. It has been nearly two weeks since the biopsy, and I am pretty energetic and have no pain. So, if you honestly look at it, I am not sick. Maybe it would be better to say “I am feeling ready”.

I am so thankful that I found the lump. I could be going along without knowing at all that these tumors were inside me, ready to grow more, ready to attack, ready to make me sick. Ready to threaten me. Now though, there will be no more sneaking up on me. I am ready, willing, able, and fully supported in my new challenge against cancer. As we like to say at my work, “BRING IT”! I am looking forward to Wednesday, to start my treatments, and to beat cancer (again!)

Once more, thank you for your love and support. It means the world to me and Michele. Please keep it coming! Your love is returned in full.

Love to you and yours,

Andy

This May Come To You As A Surprise

If you are reading my blog, odds are that we have spent quite a bit of time together, eaten together, watched a game, played soccer together, shared a laugh, gone for a bike ride, or maybe had a beer together. More likely than not, you already knew before you landed on this page today that I was a cancer survivor. I am not shy about sharing this fact. I am proud of it. Being a survivor has given me great strength and great confidence.

I have been a cancer survivor for 15 years. Fifteen years ago today, I was about one week away from having a splenectomy. Two weeks later, I started radiation therapy. I know all the dates. I know all the stats. I have very specific, vivid memories . I can recall the details of this part of my life with the same ease and clarity as my wedding day and the day our daughter was born.

The last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster ride. On Tuesday, March 22nd (the day before my 38th birthday), all of these memories flashed back to 15 years ago. Michele and I were sitting in an exam room, at Johns Hopkins, with a surgeon, talking about the CT scan that I had done the day before. It was deja vu. I vividly remembered sitting with a different surgeon 15 years ago, talking about the lump in my neck.

Why did I have a CT scan done and why were we talking to a surgeon?

I found a lump. An enlarged lymph node in my groin. Last Wednesday, March 29, the surgeon performed a biopsy on this lymph node, that is sitting next to my femoral artery. This biopsy has given us the answer to what this enlarged lymph node is. And what the other enlarged lymph nodes in my abdomen, that were on my CT scan, are as well. The results of the biopsy have shown the recurrence of Hodgkins Lymphoma.

So right now we wait. And pray.

I know that this news probably comes to you as a surprise. It certainly did to me. I am in the best physical shape that I have been in since I was 18 or 19 years old. My energy level is high. I have no symptoms. None. All I had was a lump that I can feel.

And we wait. My primary thought is “I had no idea that I was going to have to beat cancer twice by the time I was 40.”

The last week has revolved around talking with my family about the situation. What have all the steps been? What is coming next? What are the doctors telling you? How are you feeling? I have talked to some of my closest friends about this. Michele has talked more friends and family. If you are reading this, please know that I understand that this is a hard thing to read about a friend, cousin, or old classmate. I wish I could talk to you about it face to face, instead of subjecting you to reading my words. But there is just not enough time in the day for me to talk to everyone in person. And talking about it so much is tiring. I hope that you can understand that.

To my new Baltimore friends, I may have seen you in the last couple of weeks. We were probably with the kids. I really could not bring myself to finding a way to get this news out while watching the fun, mayhem, and mischief that our children were involved in. It was always on the tip of my tongue, but I could not open my mouth to say the words.

I am nervous, anxious, and a little scared. I have no doubts that whatever I have ahead of me that I can handle. All in all, I am healthy and in the best shape I have been in since my first bout 15 years ago.

We are not making a whole lot of plans these days, but my goal is to be on my bike in August, riding the PMC again. This year is going to be my 5th PMC, to celebrate my 15th anniversary of being a cancer survivor and to start a new streak as a two-time survivor.

This week, I hope that I will sit down with an oncologist and start plotting out our treatment plan. I will try and keep you posted on my blog and as best I can, in person.

Thank you in advance for your love and well wishes. They are returned in full.

Love to you and yours,

Andy